I Carry Our Grudge

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““…the heartache felt like a warm bullet exploding in my gut[…]”” belongs to anokarina on Flickr.com. Some rights reserved.
her words scratch me open
my sensitive will peeling away from me
the bits and pieces caught between her teeth
I deflate like a balloon
helium pride diffusing out of me
floating away into the atmosphere
and just like that I have lost

lost in the bitterest way
no hardboiled comebacks
no half-baked personal insults
flung in her direction
meant to sour public opinion
can save me now

I am revealed
a child in adult clothing
a deer trying to cross a highway
on a snowy mountainside in the harshest of winters
or worse
a lone fox your crosshairs are fixed upon

I dream of our friendship
the sweetest of memories
dissolved like powdered sugar in hot, bitter tea
the childhood fortress that housed our hopes and dreams
washes away under the wave of her loud anger

even the strongest of bonds
break under enough weight
now there is no more

her giggle brings me back
a hyena’s laughter
her wolves have me surrounded
friend or foe
it makes no difference
no one can help me now
I stand frozen in the bullseye of their gaze
her wolves have tricked my deity
into playing the lamb of their hunt

I stand in ruin
my sandcastle walls torn down
overwhelmed by the ocean of my hurt
the waves threatening to drown me
in my own pain
in my own words left unsaid
I stand with the numbness already seeping into my skin
my confidence slipping
like sand between my toes washed away into the sea
facing the cold, dark waters alone
my anguish stretching to the horizon

is it wrong that years from now
I glance back in time
try to rewind my mind
to this very moment
to the minutes I spent trembling
thoughts and ideas melting
into a pool of sour embarrassment
to the hours I spent reflecting
is it wrong of me?

to carry the old grudges
like scars on the back of my hand
influencing all that I touch
burning, rusting, rotting

turning beautiful palaces
where we once danced behind stained glass windows
promising each other that ours was forever
into decaying, molding structures
where I sip champagne toasting you
wishing you the worst of pain

when my future generations ask me of you
when they express sorrow over our loss
I shall tell them, No
I have not forgotten

the pieces of us lay frayed and tattered
under all the water I used to save us
from the white-hot flame of your words
and here we have laid for so many years
what’s left of our bond
lies buried deeply with regret
and all that we wish we couldn’t remember

our hate having frozen our minds
with anger and hurt clouding our vision
will we ever learn to forgive and forget

how hypocritical of me
deep inside I know
that my hate just waits to rear its ugly head
I know we will never be the same again

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